The Spiked Drink Testing Wand

JAMES HAMBLIN

Are you constantly worried that someone is trying to incapacitate you? And you wish there was some way to carry with you at all time a device that "resemeble[s] a straw or stirrer" that you could dip in your drink periodically to test for drugs? And it would "light up or a part of it will rotate or maybe it will send a message to your cell phone" if something is afoot? 

Did your great idea testing rod rotate as you read this?

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Japanese Women Live 10 Years Longer Than American Men

Is this good or bad?

These findings come in the wake of last week's revelation that science has almost cured aging, wherein it was claimed that the first person to live to be 1000 years old will likely be born within the next 20 years. So current life expectancies are moot, really. Once we cure aging, everyone will die of accidents and injuries. Then you'll at least have interesting things to read about when you're 950, sitting around, waiting for something to fall on you.

[image via]

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CΦExi$t

JAMES HAMBLIN

It's like, we should be tolerant and respectful of everyone's beliefs, whatever they are. Just so long as you believe in a cataract month.

Cataracts are more common than glaucoma, macular degeneration, and diabetic retinopathy combined.  Be aware: don't get them. 

Things to avoid if you don't want cataracts:

•  family history of cataracts
•  smoking
•  UV rays
•  serious eye injury
•  steroids

Were you thinking of sustaining serious eye injury this month?


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The Tooth Fairy Rots Your Brain

JAMES HAMBLIN

"Children's beliefs in the reality of fantastic phenomena [may] give rise to genuine constructive memory errors in line with their fantasies."

“To examine how children’s fantasy beliefs can affect memory for their experiences, 5- and 6-year-olds with differing levels of belief in the reality of the Tooth Fairy were prompted to recall their most recent primary tooth loss in either a truthful or fun manner. Many of the children who fully believed in the existence of the Tooth Fairy reported supernatural experiences consistent with the myth..., whereas those who realized the fictionality of the myth recalled mainly realistic experiences."

Define "supernatural" and "realistic," science.

If you're looking to purchase children's drawings of the tooth fairy, consider this one, available in 5 x 7 for $7.49 plus shipping.

Keep in mind, you're buying a print, not the original. 

If you're looking for the original, hand-drawn kid tooth fairy drawings, stained with the tears shed as the they watched their parents sell them, talk to me.

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[via]

Classic Bait And Stitch

JAMES HAMBLIN

Daily Mail does a segment called Me and my operation, wherein a patient describes what surgery they had done, and then the surgeon describes what surgery they did. This way the patient can use words like "gullet" and phrases like "I used to eat a couple curries every week," and the doctor can say things like "involves cracking the chest open" and "the oesophagus is a tube," and no one seems condescending at all. (Oesophagus is the British esophagus. It's a tube.) Then, at the end, you find out the patient is actually a doctor trying to pretend like he doesn't really understand. Also the doctor is an airline pilot trying to pretend like he does understand. But then they just laugh and are glad everything went okay.

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In 1946 There Were 7,250 Female MD's

JAMES HAMBLIN

Time has this interesting gallery of vintage cigarette ads. "Try Camels on your T-zone," this one suggests. Okay, that sounds fun. But first, what do you mean? 

T-zone: "That's T for taste and T for throat." 

You also get full credit if you guessed tumor. If you're considering taking up smoking, talk to a physician first. I don't know a lot of doctors who smoke nowadays, but of the ones that do, almost all of them swear by Camel brand cigarettes. Their rich, nutty flavor and nuanced, sophisticated aroma speak for themselves. And yes, they all smoke 'em directly through their T-zones. 

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We're Taking Your Shoes

JAMES HAMBLIN

Did you know you can return your TOMS shoes? Which means the kids in Africa... get their shoes taken back? 

Also, these wedges! Meanwhile, in Africa: "Son, we've got good news and bad news."

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Be Cool

It's going to be 98 degrees in Chicago today!

That's really hot, especially if you're like me and you've had your pores cauterized. It's important to stay cool so your body and mind don't become a mess. Here are some tips for beating the hotness:

• Don't go outside. Stay inside in your air conditioned house or workplace. Don't go outside.

• If you do have to go outside, come inside again, right away. Don't go out there again. Why did you - just, ugh, just stay inside.

• Eat garlic, mint, and spicy foods. They actually cool you down.  Eat them inside, though, not on your balcony or rooftop.

• Ice bath, take an ice bath. Turn your water to cold, all the way, until ice starts coming out. Or just pour all of the ice from your freezer into your bathtub. Then bathe in it. Run it over your arms and the back of your neck. Listen to soft music loudly and say "oh yes" a lot. Also take a real shower, because the ice won't get you very clean.

• Don't -- hey, why are you going so close to the door! 

• Icicles - think about them. Try and make one with your mind.

• Don't go indoor tanning, at a salon. Don't go to a tanning salon today.

• Sun hat with face protection. "Ponytail slot in back." 

Enjoy the day!

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Your Brain Doesn't Like Human-Looking Robots As Much As You Thought

JAMES HAMBLIN

Remember when you were little and you went to Disneyland and those little robots sang "It's a small world after all," and you felt sort of happy, but also like there might not be a tomorrow? Seeing humanoid robots activates different parts of the brain than seeing real humans or stereotypical robots, as demonstrated in a new functional MRI study. There's discontinuity between the human form and nonhuman qualities, and we get that "I don't know how to feel about you" vibe. That's how we know we're supposed to attack them. 

[via]

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Your Body And The Internet: How Many People Have You Talked To Today?

JAMES HAMBLIN

Functional dysphonia is a rare condition in which people become unable to talk but we don’t exactly know why. We can’t find anything mechanically wrong with their sound-making parts, and if you startle or tickle them, they still shriek or laugh. You shouldn’t go out of your way to tickle these people, but, just, that’s what would happen. When they try to speak, though: silence. Sometimes whispers. Nothing is identifiably wrong with the language parts of their brains, either. They can write and interact nonverbally without a problem.

So it's a diagnosis that's felt to be related to anxiety and "psychosomatic factors," which is what we say to mean “I don’t know - your brain is affecting your body somehow - I don’t know, it’s weird. Ahh, I wish I could help you. Anti-depressants?”

A new study from the journal Otolaryngology: Head and Neck Surgery says that people with functional dysphonia have increased rates of perfectionism.  That makes sense, since both are probably rooted in anxiety. It suggests that there's an element, albeit subconscious, of thinking it'd be better not to talk at all than to risk saying something wrong.

If you don't talk, you can't misspeak. You’d probably offend fewer people, too, as long as you’re cordial with your winks, nods, and curtseys, and assuming you don’t do weird stuff like constantly lick your lips. You might even come off as elegant and intriguing. Maybe it wouldn’t be completely terrible? But, on a voluntary basis, how long do you think you could actually go without talking?

I tried it one time when I was a kid, and I lasted fifteen months, but I was very focused.